Let’s face it, we’re all walking contradictions. We each carry a mix of light and darkness, like some bizarre cocktail shaken up by our past, our personalities, and, sometimes, our diagnoses. For me, that diagnosis is borderline personality disorder (BPD). But don’t worry—I won’t be turning this post into a symposium on mental health terminology. Instead, let’s look at the ways light and darkness coexist, sparring and dancing within each of us, and the weird, wonderful, often exhausting beauty that results.
Light: The Sunny Side Up
Ah, the light. This is the part of ourselves we try to put forward, our carefully cultivated “good side.” For me, my light is where I feel genuinely alive, open, full of curiosity. On these good days, I’m ready to embrace the world with empathy and charm. I have an open mind, a ready laugh, and an inexplicable urge to compliment strangers on their shoes or hair, or sheer demeanor. The world feels like a playground—limitless, beautiful, brimming with potential. In these moments I feel invincible, inspired to write, to paint, I feel limitless, like I can reach all my career goals, I feel hopeful, and very much willing to reach out and talk to everyone I love and have ever loved.
In this mode, everything seems possible, and I’m unstoppable. Sure, this golden, glowy version of me might not always be around for long, but when it’s here, it feels like magic. And I think that’s true for a lot of people. Our light sides bring out the best, the dreamers and doers, the ones who want to bring a little goodness into the world.
Darkness: The Shadow in the Room
Then there’s the other side: the darkness. If my light feels like a sunny spring morning, then, well, to be completely honest, it can be a beautiful day outside, but I’ll close my shutters, lock the door, and retire to my bed. This side of me is raw, intense, and often a bit too much. It’s where doubt, frustration, and insecurity reside. The darkness can twist things, making shadows out of words, turning affection into suspicion. It’s the part that second-guesses every decision and sometimes wonders if the universe is conspiring against me. I tend to avoid all sorts of contact when these episodes happen, which is also why I’m not always the best texter (sorry).
This shadow side is quick to leap to conclusions, or push people away. And yes, it’s exhausting, but it’s also a deeply honest part of me. This darkness isn’t out to ruin my life; it’s my inner self’s way of processing fear, pain, and those good old existential questions.
Where Light and Darkness Dance
So here’s the fun paradox: these two sides, light and darkness, are a package deal. I can’t have the joy and the wonder of my “good days” without the intensity and fire of my dark days. The bright and hopeful side lets me dream, connect, and laugh. The darker side keeps me grounded, reminding me to be real, to confront the things that scare me, even if that confrontation is difficult..
And maybe the trick isn’t about “overcoming” or “curing” either side but learning to sit somewhere in the middle. Though to be honest, I hate the middle. I find it immensely boring. The mundanity of everyday life, without the highs and the lows, almost feels like a punishment. But I’ve been told that that’s normality, that’s how life is supposed to be. But when I’m at my best, I’m learning from both sides. My light lets me forgive, connect, and grow. My darkness keeps me compassionate, reminding me of the struggles we all face beneath the surface.
Embracing Both Sides: Finding Balance in the Blur
Let’s be real: this blend of light and darkness is just part of being human. You don’t have to have a diagnosis to have tough days, to sometimes feel like two totally different people within the same body. The way I see it, embracing both sides isn’t about becoming flawless. It’s about learning to find humor in our quirks, to cut ourselves some slack, and, maybe, to find a little beauty in the paradox, if possible.
If I’ve learned one thing, it’s this: life is richer when you let all of you show up. Because both sides—the light and the dark—are uniquely you, and together, they make one heck of a fascinating, complex, sometimes beautifully messy person.
So here’s to the light that keeps us dreaming and the darkness that keeps us real. Cheers to the endless dance between them, and to us, stumbling through it with as much grace, humor, and wisdom as we can muster.
Love, V
Painting shown above is by George Frederic Watts titled “The Voice of Silence”
