As the holidays approach, I’m reminded of all the usual sights and sounds that signal this time of year: family gatherings, exchanging gifts, sitting around the dinner table with loved ones, and toasting the New Year together. But this year will be different for me. This holiday season, I won’t be with my family. Instead, I’ll be spending Christmas and New Year’s in a rehabilitation center—a place that I hope will become the foundation of my healing journey.
Embracing Change for a Healthier Life
For a long time, I’ve struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a diagnosis that comes with emotional highs and lows, intense mood swings, and challenges with self-worth and identity. Living with BPD often feels like being on a rollercoaster without a seatbelt; the ups and downs have left me exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from my true self. And in recent months, my symptoms have worsened, and it’s become harder to manage my life in a way that feels safe and sustainable.
Alongside my BPD, I also face challenges with disordered eating and alcohol use. Over time, these issues have become coping mechanisms—tools I reached for to deal with the overwhelming emotions that come with my disorder. But I’ve reached a point where I can no longer deny that these “solutions” only bring temporary relief while leading me deeper into a cycle that leaves me feeling empty and broken.
Breaking the Cycle: Why I Chose Rehabilitation
I finally came to a point where I knew I couldn’t keep going in circles. Something had to change, and that change had to start with me. Deciding to spend nine months in a rehabilitation center is both a difficult and empowering choice. It’s a choice to step away from old habits, old patterns, and even relationships temporarily so I can focus on healing.
Yes, it’s hard to be away from my family and my boyfriend during the holidays, his birthday, even my own. There’s a bittersweet ache knowing that I won’t be there for all the little traditions we share. But I’ve realized that the best gift I can give to them, and to myself, is a commitment to finally tackle my issues head-on. Spending the holidays in a rehabilitation center may not look like a traditional celebration, but it’s a chance for me to rebuild my life.
What I Hope to Achieve in the Coming Months
This rehabilitation program isn’t just about breaking unhealthy habits; it’s about understanding the root causes of my struggles, learning to manage my BPD symptoms, and finding healthier ways to cope with my emotions. The structure, support, and resources available here are unlike anything I could access on my own, and I know I need that foundation if I want to make lasting changes.
Over the next nine months, I’ll be working on:
– Developing emotional regulation skills, so I can handle intense emotions without turning to self-destructive behaviors.
– Building healthy habits around eating and drinking, learning to listen to my body’s needs rather than using food or alcohol to cope.
– Strengthening my sense of self-worth and identity, so I can build a life based on love and respect for myself.
I hope to walk out of this experience more grounded, balanced, and equipped to face life without letting my disorder control me.
Finding Peace in This New Path
While it’s difficult to imagine missing out on the family moments this holiday season, I’m choosing to focus on the bigger picture. This time away is an investment in my future and in the relationships that mean the most to me. By prioritizing my recovery now, I hope to be the kind of person who can fully show up for my family in years to come; someone who can participate in traditions without feeling burdened by unresolved pain.
This season, I may be physically away from my family, but I carry them in my heart. Their love, support, and belief in my strength fuel my determination to keep going. And while I miss the comfort of being home, I’ve found a new sense of purpose in this journey. For me, healing is the greatest gift I can give myself, and I hope this season is the start of a brighter, more hopeful chapter.
If you, too, are facing difficult decisions or sacrifices on the path to healing, know that you’re not alone. Choosing to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing isn’t selfish; it’s brave. It’s a commitment to break the cycle and create a life filled with peace, health, and connection.
As I welcome this unique holiday season, I’m finding gratitude in the courage it’s taken me to take this step—and hope in the knowledge that I am finally choosing to be the healthiest version of myself. Here’s to a new year of growth, healing, and self-discovery.
Love, V
